This Is Why Unloved Daughters Attract Narcissists


The daughters of unloving mothers have a lot of issues which come from having lived a cruel, crazy-making lifestyle. Here’s why they attract narcissists:

I think that living with a Narcissistic Mother is possibly one of the most horrendous abuses of children, because – depending where on the Narcissistic Spectrum our mother is located – it can be so subtle that we don’t even realise we’re being abused.

As one Daughter with a Narcissistic Mother wrote so eloquently:

As different as [all daughters with narcissistic mothers] are, as varied as our situations, ages, memories, degrees of suffering or desire to vent, the consequences of being raised by this kind of mentally ill mother are essentially universal.

It is an abnegation of the soul, and I’d argue that the damage it does is more insidious than most other forms of child abuse.

It is completely invisible to everyone, including the perpetrator (who literally cannot see what she is doing) and her victim (who knows only this). The harm it does is all pervasive; it is vicious, painfully unjust and mutilating.

(Reprinted with permission; bolding/italics mine)

I certainly didn’t know this abuse was going on. When my sister more or less left home when she was 15, all-but living with a neighbour, and officially left home never to be seen again at age 17, all I could think was, “What’s her problem?”

And it never occurred to me to wonder where my own depression, suicide attempt and constant suicide thoughts, and eating disorder, had come from.

We just internalise the stress, and think it’s us that’s wrong, and horrible, and maybe even crazy. This is assisted by the fact that our Narcissistic Mothers and Enabling Fathers tell us that we’re crazy! Maybe not in as many words (although often, yes, in as many words), but every time they gaslight us to tell us our memory and perceptions are mistaken, it’s effectively saying we’re crazy.

On my last conversation with my mother she told me patronisingly that I had a very good imagination – the inference being that I was totally imagining all of what I was saying.

We maybe still think our mother loves us because she tells us she does, and we don’t know any better to realise that normally love doesn’t manifest in such sly put-downs, such undermining, such neglect. And of course our culture tells us, loud and clear and over and over,that our mother loves us, and that we need to love her. And because of this, our friends just don’t – cannot – understand any of this, and that’s lonely too.

And we believe we love her because, well, that’s what daughters do. And as normal loving girls we crave to love.

The heritage of being a Daughter with a Narcissistic Mother just goes on and on – I’ve heard it described, bitterly, as the gift that keeps on giving.

We feel we cannot be our authentic true selves, even assuming we can figure out who that authentic self even is.

We suffer from low self-esteem, often to the level of self-loathing, and we struggle with self-care. We almost certainly cannot love ourselves, and all this is evidenced by our negative self-talk.

We may believe we have no right to exist, and almost certainly feel that we’re never good enough, that we’re not acceptable, that at some deep down level we’re inherently flawed.

We either are forever self-sabotaging, or burdened with impossible perfectionism.

Although there is often euphoria when we make this discovery about NPD, as we realise we’re not crazy, that can be quickly followed by anger, grief and bereavement, sadness, shame and guilt, and maybe even hatred.

We’re weary of our successes being dismissed and our tragedies being used as drama-queen fodder.

We perhaps still always feel like a little girl, and we’re probably scared to own, or access, our own power – and that keeps us feeling powerless too. We’ve had years of being told we’re too sensitive, and possibly we are, now.

We have difficulty setting boundaries, whether that’s with our family or with others.

We may well be overly fearful of authority figures, or people being angry with us.

We worry about whether we ourselves are narcissistic.

We may have body issues – either being overweight, or terrified of gaining weight.

We may find ourselves still experiencing huge fear of her, no matter how old we are or how assertive in other parts of our lives.

We may find that we’re still trying – in vain, of course – to get her approval, or to get her attention.

We may want to severely limit our contactwith her, or even to cut off all contact– but be worried and confused about that.

We no doubt have difficulties in forming relationships, or maybe we’re attracted to unhealthy and abusive relationships. We have a constant fear of abandonment, and huge trust issues. We carry a constant feeling that the world isn’t safe.

We also have massive issues around deserving. Deep down we may feel that we don’t deserve good things, or good relationships, or even that we don’t deserve to heal. We may also have beliefs around healing that healing means she gets away with it, for example, which block us, or the belief that being unhappy is a badge of proof that this happened.



This post was republished from mysticalraven.com. You can find the original post here.

25 Signs of Covert Narcissism: A Special Kind of Mind Game


A covert narcissist is the worst kind of narcissist there is. Like a stealth bomb, you can’t see them coming until they have left their destruction.

There are countless articles written on the psychology of narcissism. The reason that it’s so highly researched is that someone who has narcissistic tendencies can do so much damage to the psyche of those around them, seemingly without having any idea of what they’re doing. Masters of manipulation, it’s almost inspiring to see the way they do what they do so flawlessly.

There is something to be said about allowing someone to overpower you when you know better and see the signs. But it’s something entirely different when you don’t even see it coming. This is why the covert narcissist is a whole new breed of a narcissist. As if it isn’t bad enough that they manipulate you, make you feel bad for just about everything, and that everything is your fault, by the time you know what’s going on, you’re so sucked in that it becomes difficult to find your way out.

Covert narcissism is one of the most extreme and damaging forms of narcissism that you can encounter. The thing that sets these narcissists apart is their highly defensive nature and being emotionally vulnerable, seemingly without any exterior trace of the planning and plotting in which they engage. Unlike other forms, the covert narcissist is like a stealth bomb—they come without any warning and destroy everything in their wake.

The 25 characteristics of a covert narcissist

A narcissist is someone who can take a toll on your sensibilities and your self-esteem, but a covert one can take a toll on your sanity, too. Many characteristics that are specific to covert narcissism are more difficult to spot. To maintain your self-esteem and your sanity, look for these signs that you’re in a relationship with someone who is keeping their narcissism under wraps.

#1 They are overly critical. Because they have so many insecurities of their own, they have a tendency to be overly critical of those around them. Projecting their own weaknesses onto those in their path, they can leave you to feel stupid, unwanted, or insignificant.

#2 Although charming, you only see it when they want something. Very charismatic when they want to be, the covert narcissist’s charm only comes out when they want something from you or the people around you. Like a switch, they can turn it on and turn it off, but it’s always to get something from the person they’re schmoozing.

#3 No matter what happens, you always feel at fault. As upset as you are with them, if you confront them or get into an argument with them, they manipulate the situation with such mastery that you end up feeling at fault and apologizing. A covert narcissist knows exactly how to spin something to make you feel like everything you were thinking is wrong, even when your own common sense and logic tells you otherwise. This tactic can be so mind-manipulating that you can start to feel like you’re going insane.

#4 They leave you feeling empty in your relationship with them. No matter how long you’re with them, you can feel alone and lonely. Regardless of the time you are together, the experiences that you share with them and the closeness that you crave, it always feels as if something is missing or isn’t quite right.

#5 They don’t care if they have to lie, steal, or cheat to get what they want. A narcissist sees everyone in relation to what they can do for them. Not really caring about anyone but themselves, everyone and everything is merely a tool to get what they want in life. They are not above lying, cheating, or stealing in order to make themselves feel better, more powerful, more admired, or more wealthy.

#6 Stubborn and dogmatic, they only will concede if it gets them something. Getting an apology from a covert narcissist can only be accomplished if they want something from you or if it’s part of their end-game. You can argue with them until you’re blue in the face, but even when you get an apology, it’s empty. They don’t mean they are sorry; they mean that they stand to gain something from the concession, not that they believe they’re wrong.

#7 There’s something empty and uncaring about them that you can’t put your finger on. There’s no way to get close to them in a relationship. As if there is a protective layer to them that you can’t penetrate, things never seem quite right or real when you’re with a covert narcissist.

#8 They lack empathy. It makes no difference if it’s you or someone in a third-world nation who is starving to death, they have no ability to empathize, so they never feel sorry for anyone.

#9 They want the good things in life and are envious if anyone else has them. A narcissist rarely wants what they have; they are constantly in the market for what everyone else has that they deem important or worthy. 
They could be the richest person in the world and still envy others for something more than what they have.

#10 Their emotional intelligence is very low. Like talking to a brick wall, they just don’t seem to “get” what you’re saying. Not being able to feel empathy, they’re very low on emotional intelligence, which makes it difficult to talk to them on a deeper level.

#11 They have an inability to feel remorseful for what they do. Always blaming others, covert narcissists have an inability to feel sorry for what they have done.

#12 They will play the victim often and well. A covert narcissist will make you feel sorry for them, no matter what the truth of the matter is. Everything is someone else’s fault, and they are always merely an innocent bystander.

#13 They will blame everyone for their mistakes and misfortune. They seemingly have no control over anything they do or anything that is done to them. All of their misfortune is someone else’s fault because they bare no responsibility for their actions.

#14 No matter what you do, you can’t get close to them. Because of their low emotional intelligence, you just can’t seem to feel close to them no matter what you do. That will leave you feeling empty and alone.

#15 Whatever they’re feeling, they will project it onto you. They are experts at projecting any negative feelings they have onto the people in their lives. By making you feel bad, they make themselves feel better.


#16 Only one person exists in their universe, and it isn’t you. Highly selfish, they appear to be the only one in their universe. The only time they care about something that has to do with you is when it really has something to do with them.

#17 They are highly sensitive and over-reactive to criticism of any type. If you criticize them, they will overreact, and their anger is quick. Always needing praise and admiration, if you challenge them, they will attack to regain their dominance.

#18 They will engage in high-risk activities to get attention. Attention is the goal at any cost. If they have to do something dangerous or engage in risky behavior, the result is always greater than the danger of the act. There is nothing they won’t do to get the attention they crave.

#19 They see people as objects to get what they want. Incapable of forming bonds with people, they see those in their lives as tools to get what they want and need.

#20 They usually target those weaker than them. A covert narcissist will target anyone they think they can manipulate, whether they are strong or weak. But weakness is easier to dominate, so they very often choose highly sensitive or insecure people to be with.

#21 Although not empathetic, they know what you need and will play it against you. One of their biggest strengths is knowing what someone needs, and holding that over them to get what they want is one of their favorite manipulations games.

#22 They’re very jealous of others whom they admire. We are all jealous at times of successful people in our lives, but the covert narcissist is consumed by envy and jealousy. Not being able to see what they have, they are always searching to get something more.

#23 They will make you look bad to make themselves feel and look better. Working behind the scenes, a covert narcissist will often talk badly about the person they are closest to. Having to paint themselves as the martyr, the only way they can make themselves look good is by making everyone else look bad. That makes them the victor.

#24 Passive aggression is their weapon of choice. If you feel like you’re going insane, you are probably with a covert narcissist. They will plant seeds and let them grow. Making tiny suggestions about who you are or what you have done, they leave it to rest and fester in you until you believe it to be true.

#25 They need constant attention. The covert narcissist is not happy unless all eyes are on them. That makes those in a relationship with them feel as if they are only an accessory. They will charm everyone in their path and often ignore those who are the closest to them, knowing that they have gotten the attention they need from you already.

Like a Trojan horse, you don’t see the covert narcissist coming. They will take everything that they can from you and leave you an empty shell. Highly destructive to your self-esteem, if you are with one, you should find your way out while you can still leave with your heart, mind, and sensibilities still intact.

Written by JULIE KEATING
Source-http://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/signs-of-covert-narcissism

NEW STUDY SHOWS WOMEN ARE MORE ATTRACTED TO CONSERVATIVE MEN


A new study out in Cognitive, Affective, & Behavioral Neuroscience shows that women across all political and socioeconomic backgrounds are more attracted to conservative men.

The study used a mock dating app and asked 3,300 single and married women 18-35 to rate men’s attractiveness. The women were shown profile photos of men without any content, a text only profile, and photos with the text profile. The photos and profiles were randomly mixed so a photo was seen with a variety of different profile content. Prior to the study, the women were interviewed to understand their political and social views, then categorized by political stances, age, income level and race.

Both the standalone photos of men dressed more conservatively – suits, western wear, uniforms, etc., and the conservative statements were deems more desirable by the group of women in the study. Men who were rated as less attractive in the standalone photo gained attractiveness when paired with conservative statements, but less attractive with liberal statements.

Sarah Grant, lead researcher for the study said she was surprised by the results. The self-described liberal said, “I hypothesized that given the divided political climate women would be more attracted to statements and views more similar to their own and to men who would be perceived to have those views.” The findings showed the contrary. With the exception of white women 18-21, both the liberal and conservative women in the study found the more conservative profiles more attractive. The study did find, however, that statements viewed as far-right drew less attention from the women and fell dramatically in ratings. Grant explained the findings across the political spectrum. “The level of attraction to men dropped to near universal dismissal on the far-right with statements some would consider offensive or racist, but the ratings also dropped significantly on the far opposite end of the spectrum. Really what was deemed the most attractive was somewhere around center-right.” When asked about the content of the profile statement Grant explained their methodology, “Many more dating apps are drawing on niche groups based on political beliefs. We used this as the basis for the study to identify whether people are truly more attracted to people with similar viewpoints.  For the profile statements we used actual statements from social media accounts both dating profiles and more general social media like Facebook and Twitter. 
We used actual statements posted by men in their social media accounts so the statement and profiles could not be perceived as biased or non-conforming due to subconscious influence of the researchers. What we found is that women aren’t necessarily attracted to men with the same social or political beliefs. We were surprised by the results and I think many of the women taking the survey would be as well.”

Every Woman Loves a Man in a Uniform
Contributing to the study’s finding that women prefer conservatives is the old adage about men in uniforms. Grant explained her findings, “This is where perception and social influence comes into place. While a soldier, businessman or police officer may have very liberal views, the general perception of society is that these men in uniform tend to be more conservative. We found this carried over into the study as well.” When the women were asked to categorize the men on a conservative/liberal scale, women viewed the men in uniforms as more conservative and generally rated them higher than men not in uniform. Grant joked about the findings, “It’s really no surprise about the rating. Women do love a man in uniform.”


The study did provide some surprises on both sides of the political divide. The researchers found that conservative identified women rated the photos of seemingly more liberal men – long hair, tattoos, casual or sloppy dress – higher than other groups in the study, but the ratings of the same men dropped significantly when paired with liberal statements; less so with conservative statements. Grant said, “We’re not really sure what the meaning of that is. Maybe those more liberal guys were kind of fantasy for the more reserved women – the scuba instructor or something, but the fantasy seemed to go away when there was content there.”

Source-http://fullyloadednews.com/new-study-shows-women-are-more-attracted-to-conservative-men/ 

UNDERNEATH THE MASK OF A NARCISSIST


1.  Is a person who will never hold themselves accountable for anything untoward.  They will shift the blame onto others and never take responsibility for their bad behaviour.  Their failures are always someone else’s fault.  Never let someone blame you for a mistake you didn’t make.

2.  Is a person who manipulates others into behaving and thinking as they deem fit.  They cause chaos where once there was none, and pit people against each other.  They will twist words, sometimes a hint of truth brewed with lies and stirred well.

3.  Is a person who will try to isolate you from your friends and your family.  They don’t want anyone else to be the focus of your attention.  They want you all to themselves, without a support network.  By causing rifts in friendships and family, when the relationship crumbles,  who will you turn to?  In their minds they know that you will think twice about leaving if your friends and family are long gone.

4.  Is a control freak…  Someone who wants everything on their terms, no matter what the cost.  It’s their way or the highway.  Their point of view is and must be correct.  They are ruthless, often cruel in achieving their goals.

5.  Is someone who lacks empathy.  Underneath the fake exterior lies a heart as cold as ice.  They are unable or refuse to put themselves in another’s shoes.  They don’t care if they hurt you, their children, their parents, anyone, as long as they don’t get hurt themselves.  If someone gets hurt, that’s ok, they deserved it.

6.  Is someone who wants to keep you financially dependent on them.  If you don’t have money or an income, how can you leave?

7.  Is someone who is a pathological liar.  They are convincing and accomplished liars making up lies faster than you can question them.

8.  Is a high flyer..  Someone who will make sure they get to the top and doesn’t care who they trample on to get there.  They will lie, deceive, backstab, exploit and fake their own achievements to get the desired result.  If you happen to be in the way of their goals, don’t be surprised if your character is assassinated or you are blamed for things you did not do.

9.  Is a vindictive bully.  Someone who will gossip, lie and slander their target without mercy.

10. Is someone with low self esteem.  Despite what they often portray, someone who is full of self-confidence, this is someone  who is extremely jealous of your popularity.  They will take on your mannerisms to become just like you while destroying your reputation in the process.

11.  Is someone who appears to be very charismatic when you meet them initially.  The longer you know a narcissist, the less likely you are to be fooled by that false persona.

12.  Is someone who has promised you the world but fails to deliver.  Their promises mean nothing.  They will promise anything to ensure their demands are met.  Once they achieve what they set out to achieve, they will deny ever having made them.

13.  Is someone who fears abandonment.  By doing so, they will reject first to put themselves in control of the situation.

14.  Is someone who will refuse to acknowledge your very existence as a result of some perceived slight in order to gain power and control.  The silent treatment is one of the most severe forms of emotional abuse causing the target to doubt their self worth, often described as mental murder.

15.  Is someone who lacks self control.  A narcissist will  often overreact and display uncontrollable rage not unlike childish tantrums one would expect to see from a five year old child.  Their rage may be fuelled by something as little as a contrary view point.

16.  Is someone who needs to be admired… Their puffed up self-image needs feeding.  A narcissist needs admiration and attention like a drug addict needs supply.

17.  Is someone who will push you to your limits to get a reaction.  When you react they will try to make you appear out of control and they play the victim card.

18.  Is some one who believes that the rules don’t apply to them.  They are risk takers believing that they are above the law and won’t get caught.

19.  Is someone who is arrogant, thriving off the admiration of others.  They will flaunt their wealth, their accomplishments, real or imagined, in order to boost their fragile ego.

20.  Is someone who is lacking in morality yet will be the first to judge the moral standards of others.

21.  Is someone who will never be satisfied.  They will become bored and want more.  The perfect, wife, husband, children, house…. None of it will ever be enough.

22.  Is someone who is highly reactive to the slightest form of criticism.

23.  Is someone who projects onto others behaviours that they can’t or won’t accept in themselves.  A narcissist has a strong desire to conceal their weaknesses and  not face up to their own inadequacies.

24.  Is someone who may apologise but unless there is something in it for them, the apology is just empty words which means nothing.

25.  Is someone who may promise to change their behaviour which is basically changing who they are, their very personality…  The question must be… Is that possible?

A true narcissist will put a tremendous amount of effort into the creation of an effigy,  which when viewed by others signifies something wholesomely good,  a beacon to draw attention.  In reality this closely resembles the moth to the flame.

Written by Anne McCrea


This article originally published on - narcissisticandemotionalabuse

EVERY Single One Of These 10 Things Is Emotional Abuse — Yes, Really


Have YOU experienced any?
If you’ve never been involved with a cunning, pathological lying, narcissistic, abusive partner, you may not know what you’re dealing with.

When you date an abusive personality, you may buy into his charm, braggadocio and phony façade while downplaying his inconsiderate and questionable behavior. Or you mistrust your instincts that your boyfriend or husband is lying to you, demeaning and controlling you. Worse yet, you may think you are overreacting and crazy — as he claims you are.

NOTE: You can be in an emotionally abusive relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, male or female friend, family member, boss or co-worker.

An abuser’s goal is to affect and control the emotions, objective reasoning and the behavior of his victim. Covert abuse is disguised by actions that appear normal, but it is clearly insidious and underhanded.

The abuser methodically chips away at your confidence, perception and self-worth with his subtle hints, unnecessary lying, blaming, accusing and denial.

The abuser fosters an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability and unpredictability. He steadily pushes you to the edge with his deception, sarcasm and battering until you erupt in anger and then you become the “bad guy” giving him the ammunition he needs to justify his hurtful actions.

If you are experiencing any of the following things, you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship: 

Accusing and blaming: He shifts the responsibility and the emphasis onto you for the problems in your relationship. He says things, like: “It’s your fault.” What’s wrong with you?” “You didn’t remind me.” “Nothing I do is ever enough.”

Punishment by withholding: He refuses to listen, he ignores your questions, he withholds eye contact and he gives you the “silent treatment.” He’s punishing you! He may refuse to give you information about where he is going, when he is coming back, about financial resources and bill payments. He withholds approval, appreciation, affection, information, thoughts and feelings to diminish and control you.

Blocking and diverting: He steers the conversation by refusing to discuss an issue or he inappropriately interrupts the conversation. He twists your words, he watches TV, or he walks out of the room while you’re talking. He criticizes you in a way that causes you to defend yourself and lose sight of the original conversation.

Contradicting: He disapproves and opposes your thoughts, perceptions or your experience of life itself. No matter what you say, he uses contradicting arguments to frustrate you and wear you down. If you say, “It’s a beautiful day,” he’ll say, “What’s great about it, the weather’s crappy.” If you say you like sushi, he’ll say, “Are you kidding, it’ll give you parasites.”

Discounting: He denies your experience of his abuse. He tells you that you’re hypersensitive or that you’re imagining things or that you can never be happy. He disfigures the truth, causing you to mistrust your perception and the reality of his abuse.

Disparaging humor: Verbal abuse is often disguised as jokes. The abuser teases, ridicules and humiliates you with sarcastic remarks about your appearance, personality, abilities and values. He makes fun of you in front of your friends and family because he knows you will avoid a public confrontation. If you tell him to stop, he tells you that you are too sensitive or you can’t take a joke.

General crazy-making: He uses a combination of distortion, blaming, forgetting, stonewalling and denial to confuse, frustrate and drive you to the brink of insanity. He denies the truth and twists your words, putting you on the defense. He wants you to second guess yourself, doubt your reality and your ability to reason.

Judging and criticizing: He harshly and unfairly criticizes you and then he passes it off as “constructive” criticism. If you object, he tells you he is only trying to help in an effort to make you feel unreasonable and guilty.

Undermining: He breaks his promises and he fails to follow through on agreements. He minimizes your efforts, interests, hobbies, achievements and concerns. He trivializes your thoughts and suggestions. If you suggest a restaurant or a vacation destination, he says, “The food is awful at that place!” and “Why would you want to go to Florida; it’s nothing but a tourist trap!”

Forgetting: He “accidently”  forgets the things that are important to you. He forgets to pick up the dry cleaning, to make a household repair or buy tickets to the movies. By doing this, he’s saying, “I’m in control of your time and reality.”

Abusive behavior is not always verbal. Your partner may use body language or gestures to control and diminish you. For example:

  • Refusing to talk or make eye contact
  • Sulking, strutting, posturing and stomping out of the room
  • Boredom-crossed arms, showing disgust, rolled eyes and frowning
  • Inappropriate sounds, deep sighs, words like, “Soooo!”
  • Hitting or kicking something or driving recklessly to scare you
  • Withdrawing or withholding affection to punish you
  • Patronizing, laughing at your opinion, mimicking or smirking
  • Interrupting, ignoring, not listening, refusing to respond
  • Distorting what you say, provoking guilt, or playing victim
  • Yelling, out-shouting or swearing to shut you down
  • Starting a sentence with, “Forget it”

Now that you know the conniving, covert signs of emotional abuse, what are you going to about it?


10 Unbelievable Behaviors Of The Narcissist



Do you know what narcissistic personality disorder is? Would you be able to spot it if you had to? For most people, their belief is that narcissism is “easy” to spot because  laymen and pop psychology characterize narcissism as: selfish ambition, arrogance, cockiness, inconsideration for others, and a strong desire to be at the top of the game. But narcissism is truly difficult to spot in everyday life because some of the kindest and nicest people could be a narcissist. Narcissism doesn’t always shine through the moment you meet someone. In fact, narcissism may not fully bloom until you’ve married the person, accepted a job from a company led by a narcissist, or after many years of knowing the person. In reality, narcissistic personality traits are often hidden by the person’s ability to “act” ways they know other people like.

Although you are probably familiar with the millions of article already written on this topic, this article will highlight narcissistic personality traits you should run from. Next week’s article will discuss ways to cope with the narcissist.

Did you know that narcissistic personality disorder could co-occur with other disorders? For example, someone diagnosed with a personality disorder (narcissistic personality disorder) could also be diagnosed with depression and anxiety (because of incorrect perceptions of self, lack of confidence, incompetence, or a fear of being found  out). In other words, the narcissistic person could very well become depressed and anxious in the event their competence or knowledge (or social charm and astuteness) are challenged by someone else. In fact, many narcissists set out to harass, compete, or defeat others when they believe others may show them up, do better than them, or receive more attention than them.

The narcissist is often an adult with an inability to share their ideas, talents, or strengths with other people. Their main goal is to be the center of attention, to be better, to compete, and to achieve, even if that means the truly talented or competent person is destroyed. 
Sadly, because of this incorrect perception of self and life in general, the narcissist will go to any length to ensure they are not overshadowed or forgotten which can result in trouble for the innocent person on the other end. A loss of employment, stolen ideas, stolen property or funds, belittlement, etc. are the consequences of being in the life of a narcissist.

As a  result of narcissists weak ego, incompetence, and skewed perception of self, you’ll want to know how to spot them and cope with them. Below I have listed a few traits of the narcissist. I have seen my fair share of narcissists so my best advice to you, if you come across a narcissist, is to avoid them at all costs because they:

Will try to compete with you in any form: Narcissists are well known for their fragile egos, self-centered worldview, and lack of perspective. The moment you try to be yourself, improve yourself, or advance in some form the narcissist will try to belittle you, reduce you, or minimize you. Why? Because the best defense for the fragile person is to make others appear smaller than them, less than them, or unintelligent. My experience with narcissists is that they lack the ability to show empathy (i.e., the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes) which creates a variety of challenges in multiple relationships. If you have a supervisor like this, they will likely belittle you, use you, or manipulate you. If this is your parent, you will likely be treated poorly and possibly worse than your siblings. If it is your spouse, you may find your significant other trying to control you.

Will see their interactions with you as a game: Narcissists are weak. They have no real substance and because of this, they are more likely to play the social game much more than other people or people who are genuine and confident. You most likely have seen this type of narcissist. They appear so very friendly to everyone and may use their unfortunate circumstances to gain social prestige, attention, or compassion. Once they receive this and have everyone fooled, they turn on those who truly know them and would rather stay miles away from them. What has always disturbed me about a narcissist who plays the social game is that they are skilled at tricking people and deceiving them. They may even go so far as to target your positive reputation to cause others to look to them in some fashion.

Will be passive-aggressive or aggressive in communication: Narcissists are immature and often behave as if they have the mental age of a teenager. In some cases, you may meet some narcissists who truly seem empathetic, compassionate, friendly, and honest only to later find out that they were “playing the social game.” It is very likely that a narcissist will engage in passive-aggressive behavior which often includes: pouting or having an attitude over something minor, taking stabs at you or picking a fight, ignoring you and acting like a “mean girl” from high-school, creating tension when there doesn’t need to be tension, and attempting to control your emotions by switching up on you in their behaviors.

Will never give you peace: Some narcissists are so vulnerable and weak psychologically and emotionally that they will keep a disagreement or arguing going for days, months, and maybe even years. They are incapable of interacting with others in a mature fashion. Their age, job title, degree or certification, family-life, etc. doesn’t mean a thing to them and doesn’t have the slightest bit of influence on their behaviors once they are triggered. The narcissist, once they are angered, is very difficult to apologize to or ask for forgiveness from. They hold grudges, create tension and anxiety, and struggle to let things go.

Will express their 5 year old ego when they are challenged: Again, the narcissist is emotionally and psychologically immature. Your best line of defense with a narcissist who presents to everyone as a 5-year-old child is to ignore it as much as you can. Try your best to placate their ego by complimenting them or staying out of the way.

Will cause unnecessary drama: The narcissist almost thrives on drama. Drama gets attention off of them and allows them to express their “immature social skills.” For example, a narcissist may get involved in gossip or a situation that doesn’t involve them at all and will seem to make things worse. Narcissists are rarely peacemakers.

Will form cliques all around you: Narcissists need to feel powerful and empowered. The best way for them to feel empowered or powerful is to create a group of people who believe in them, are afraid of them, or look up to them in some way. Their cliques allow them to maintain some kind of positive reputation and when things go wrong in the narcissist’s life, those in the clique will run to the rescue. These people should not be called “cliques” but rather “blind servants.”

Will use their social and emotional intelligence to gain notoriety: Although we all use social media to reach out to those we want to help, support, or learn from, the narcissist will find some way of making themselves look better than anymore else. This narcissist may embellish their accomplishments, brag, or seem very unauthentic.

Will behave immaturely: Narcissistic individuals struggle to be mature, especially when maturity is necessary. For example, the narcissistic personality will struggle, in the workplace or in public, to let things “slide” or leave things alone. Most narcissistic personalities go the extra mile to make trouble, get revenge, or be vindictive. It is almost as if the narcissist feels empowered by the effort they put into making life miserable, unbearable, or uncomfortable for everyone else. Don’t be decided. If you go wrong with the narcissist, you will be next.

Will pull in other people who are vulnerable to them to conquer and divide: Have you ever seen cliques where if one person is angry with someone, everyone else involved in the clique will be angry with the person too? You will likely see this kind of behavior in office settings, very small neighborhoods or rural areas, and in certain professions.

What is your experience with someone who fits the description of narcissistic personality disorder?


Tune in next week on how to deal with someone who has traits of a narcissist.

30 Red Flags Your Mister ‘Nice Guy’ Is Actually a Narcissistic Pr*ck


By lady with a truck
How many red flags do you need in order to run away and save yourself?

One red flag? Ten red flags? How about an army of red flags?
Well, let me give you a few, 30 to be exact; dead give-aways you are dating a Narcissist.  By themselves they don’t scream “Run for cover” , especially if you have no experience with a narcissist, but if you have half a dozen of these red flags you need to run away as fast as you can and if you can’t bring yourself to dump him because you think he is an exception to the rule and you don’t believe me; at least slow things down. Time will tell, his mask will drop, that is why he is pushing for commitment, he wants to hook you before you see the real person under the facade. If he is what he says he is, it will show over time and he won’t mind waiting. True love does not fade the longer you date, it grows stronger. Do not move in because you don’t want to lose him, if he is as sweet as he pretends to be waiting will not be a problem.

* disclaimer: Once again I refer to the narcissist as “he” but these red flags hold true for women also.

So here they are……. 30 Red Flags You Are Dating a Narcissist

1.The biggest number one without fail sign of a narcissist is how they sweep you off your feet at the beginning of the relationship. They fall in love very quickly, they have never loved anyone like they love you, and you are perfect in their eyes. They have so many of the same interests, love everything you love, wine and dine you, they can’t get enough of you, more than likely it is the most romantic relationship you have ever had.

2. He seems too good to be true. A narcissist is a con artist and when he finds his “target” he morphs into his “Good Self” and becomes the epitome of the perfect lover/partner.

3. He wants to know everything about you, is very interested in learning about your childhood, your hopes and dreams, your past relationships. He will reveal a few of his indiscretions and weaknesses so you feel safe being open and honest with him. He wants to get to know you alright, just not for the reason you think. He is arming his arsenal with ammo for later down the road to use against you. By sharing some of his faults he makes you think he is honest, why would he lie about something insignificant when he was so honest about that?

4.  They are seldom alone for long, and will still be in a relationship or just leaving one, they will say the relationship was over long ago but their ex won’t let go, they feel responsible for them etc. My ex said that when he left one of his ex’s she shouldn’t have been surprised because they hadn’t slept together for months prior. I thought yeah, who wouldn’t know the relationship was over if you aren’t sleeping together. (That is until he stopped sleeping with me a year or 2 into the relationship and kept telling me he loved me and I was being overly sensitive and paranoid)

5. Appears to make friends easily, but doesn’t have any long time friends.

6. “Shows you off” to everyone he knows. Taking you to mutual friends of his ex’s, (if possible he will use you are a pawn to hurt his ex.) Quickly takes you to meet the family. Plasters pictures of the two of you all over his Facebook (he knows his ex will be checking his FB and he wants twist the knife in her heart). It is one thing if a guy introduces you to his friends but it is another thing if he purposely shows you off in ways that it will get back to his ex. A decent person does not purposely hurt their ex and if he expects you to participate in vengeful acts against his ex it is a dead give-away that someday you will find yourself in the same boat.

7. Very forceful sexually and wants sex within the first date or two, barely taking no for an answer. I remember our 3rd date and I walked through the door at his place and he immediately tried to get me into bed, I almost walked out but I didn’t listen to my “gut” and stayed and we did make love. In the beginning he was highly sexual, wanting sex often, 2-3 times a day everyday.

8. They are either between jobs or just started a new job and quite possibly new to town. They tend to move around a lot, that way they don’t have to worry about their past biting them in the ass.

9. They have nothing, except excuses why they have nothing (it is always someone else’s fault, i.e.: they left it all with the ex, the ex took it all, or some other hard luck story.

10. Their ex’s are all paranoid, psycho bitches who falsely accused them of cheating, called him cheap, didn’t appreciate all he did for them and even were physically abusive to them. If he has an ex who is calling and distraught over their breakup and he tells you she has fatal attraction, he is trying to get rid of her and you witness him not answering his phone, not returning texts, and he says he is afraid of what she will do, that she is spreading lies about him and stalking him and he is afraid she will tell you lies about him; do NOT assume she is a psycho and sorry she lost him. If all his ex’s are psycho bitches think about this, ” He is attracted to psycho bitches or he turns women into psycho bitches, either way HE has a problem.”

11. In his past relationships, at work, even with his family he is always doing all the work, the only one putting in an effort, he is holding the company together or the relationship.

12. Changes jobs many times, gets bored easily, accused of stealing, someone at work is jealous of him and lying about him. It. Is. Always. Someone. else’s. fault. Always!

13. Past accomplishments or experiences that are just a little too far-fetched or too good to be true. To read his resume or hear about his life it all sounds just a little (or a lot) far-fetched. He is larger than life, done so much.

14. If you discuss past relationships and he is asked about fidelity he will tearfully admit to having ONE indiscretion, and it was only because his ex was so jealous and was always “falsely” accusing him anyway and he did it and then felt so bad. (Leaving you to believe he will be faithful with YOU as long as you don’t falsely accuse him) Whatever went wrong was not his fault, he was the victim, misunderstood. He might even tearfully admit to hitting his ex, but once again it will be tearfully and he was driven to it by her psychotic rages.

15. He is so good-natured you can’t imagine him getting angry about anything and he will tell you how much he hates conflict. (Of course his ex was always causing conflict, she bitched at him incessantly about small stuff and brought up things from the past and that is what drove him away, he is planting the seed; he might as well come right out and say; don’t confront me on anything I do because I hate conflict and I will leave you or hit you and some day down the road he will accuse you of being “just like the rest of them”)

16. More than likely he appears almost naive and helpless, and makes you feel like you want to take care of him.

17. I felt that he loved me more than I loved him, I almost felt at an unfair advantage.

18. He insisted he wanted to “take care” of me; I made a conscious effort to let my guard down, not be so independent and let him do things for me. It is a HUGE boost to his ego to take an independent self-sufficient woman and make her dependent on him. DO NOT give up your independence, it starts slowly, he will sabotage your vehicle, get you fired, ask you to quit work or go into business with him. Once you lose your job you are dependent on him and it is so much harder to get away.

19. Very early in the relationship he talks in “we” terms, saying things like are “we” going to take the car or the truck (not your car or mine), or let’s go back to “our” place, subtle little things that make you a “couple”. He talks about the future with you in it, in subtle ways, he might even propose early, but whether or not he proposes he makes it clear that he wants you in his life in the future and is not afraid of commitment.

20. Very early he will do things for you that secure his position in your life, fixing your car, buying memory for your computer, giving you something expensive of his to keep for him, somehow making you indebted to him or get you pregnant, ensuring that you can’t just walk away.

21. They will often let a little tid bit of truth slip out but you may miss it if you are not aware. Almost like he is giving you a warning. He was a very attentive lover but told me in past relationships he hadn’t worried about the woman and just basically climbed on top and worried about his own satisfaction. (that is the way it became after time with us also, and he only was attentive to my needs if he was trying to win me back)His ex’s thought he was unfaithful but he was always faithful, his ex’s said he was moody but he seems so easy-going, His ex’s called him cheap but he seems so generous.

22. Early in the relationship he will ask you to do a “favor” for him or run an errand, maybe even pick up his paycheck for him, something that puts you in the position of his partner or significant other and it makes you feel special that he would ask you. (BIG HOOK, he is testing you)

23. Insists on sleeping snuggled up all night and points it out to you, how he has never been able to sleep wrapped up with someone like that before. In his past relationships they would roll over and go to sleep but with you it is different. He will point out that how people sleep is an indication of how “connected” they are. (He is setting you up for when down the road he punishes you by refusing to come to bed or sleeps on the other side of the bed not touching you all night)

24. He will borrow a small sum of money and pay you right back (proving you can trust him so when he goes for the BIG bucks you won’t doubt that he’ll pay you back) Usually they are in financial trouble of some kind, all he needs is a little help to get back on his feet. It is always someone else’s fault he is broke, he is always on the verge of a windfall.

25. Tests your reaction to situations. ie: We met at the end of November so were entering a very social time of year. Our staff parties were on the same night and we agreed to go to my dinner and then his for the dancing and partying, but we never made it to my party. In fact the weather had turned really bad, a snow storm, and he said he didn’t want to drive in it so I called and told work I wouldn’t be able to make it. Shortly after I made the call he wanted to drive to the store, but once we were on the road he drove directly to his staff party making it sound like he was surprised the roads weren’t as bad as he thought and we might as well drop by his staff party seeing as we were out anyway. (I was not impressed; I was in jeans because I hadn’t gotten my party clothes on or any makeup, because I wasn’t supposed to be going to a party! He on the other hand was freshly showered, always wore jeans anyway and had a nice shirt on) I told him I didn’t want to go, I wasn’t dressed for it and he just said I was beautiful as I was and that we wouldn’t stay long he just wanted to say hi to a few buddies. We ended up staying most of the night and I felt uncomfortable because I was under dressed and he was the life of the party.

26. His description of relationships with family or friends don’t fit what you experience. For example he would say he was really close friends with someone but when I met them they seemed to barely know him. Then we went to his family for New Years Eve, (he had told me he was adopted and had just met his biological family a few years earlier and moved from Sask. To BC to be with them) he had told me how great they were, welcoming, warm and fun-loving people and how much they all loved him. But we got there and I immediately felt an undercurrent, an elephant in the room that no one was really talking about but every one was walking around. There seemed to be distrust of my ex, animosity that I couldn’t put my finger on; later he told me that his mother had thought I was too clingy and had been jealous. He told me that he used to visit the family every weekend and call his mom several times a day and since meeting me he had stopped and it bothered his mom, but she would get over it. His one full blood sister got drunk and started telling me that my ex was a real asshole. I didn’t want to hear it, I have never taken what someone says to heart when they are drinking, but I suppose I should have listened.

27. You catch him in lies but he says you “misunderstood” what he said example: During our first few dates he had told me he had a house in Sechelt full of furniture and that is why he had no furniture in his apartment in Ladner. Our first conversation was over the phone and he had told me he was looking at the ocean as we spoke, making it sound like he was in his house. So when we went for New Years I was surprised we were staying at his mother’s house. When I said I thought you told me you owed a house in Sechelt he told me that I had misunderstood, that he HAD a rent to own agreement on a house but when he moved to Ladner he gave it up and his furniture was stored in his step-dad’s shop. I found out the truth much later; he had rented a house in Sechelt with a couple of other guys and got evicted because he didn’t pay the rent, and he had no furniture. He had gotten heavily into Coke, been stealing from the family, was involved with a local married woman who was the town slut and every one in town was talking about it, he was in trouble with the police for excessive noise and racing in town and got his sister into drugs, got fired from the job his step-dad had gotten him and been kicked out of mother and step-dad’s house. He had gone to the mainland to a drug rehab and was just starting to rebuild the family relationship. I never would have gone if I would have known all the sordid details, no wonder I felt uncomfortable! I never did see any furniture and later he said it got stolen or something feeble like that.

28. Very early in the relationship he calls you by a pet name, Babe or Baby seems to be a popular choice. My ex called me Babe on our second date and I thought it sounded cheesy, but it didn’t take long and I loved being called Babe, he said it with a softness to his voice, it gave me butterflies. This has a dual purpose for him, one he doesn’t have to remember your name or worry about calling you by the wrong name and two, later in the relationship he will stop calling you Babe and it will cut like a knife and plant insecurity in your heart.

29. If you find yourself thinking, “He has so much potential. All he needs is a good woman to believe in him.” RUN!!!!

30. He will say he loves you early in the relationship, he has never met a woman like you, you are different from any woman he has ever known, you are special, he can be himself with you, he thought he was in love before but now he knows what real love feels like. You are soul mates, the ying to his yang. You feel he is your soul mate, you have never felt this kind of connection with someone, no one has ever loved you so completely just the way you are, unconditionally and you are determined to show him how much you love and appreciate him. You cannot believe your good fortune to have met this wonderful man.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and he was being so sweet and I really honestly trusted him implicitly, he had been “honest” about some pretty unflattering things about himself, why would he be honest about that and lie about some other things? So I accepted that I had misunderstood what he had said, or accepted his feeble explanations for discrepancies in his story.